When I hear the word “barren," I find it offensive. Not because I view myself as barren. I actually don’t. If I view myself that way, I feel I’ve accepted defeat. I’ve given up. I’ve reserved myself to the fear that God has forgotten me and my desire to be a mother.
No, I’m not offended that my physical body is barren. I’m offended, because I know that my barren spirit offends the Lord. Each time I find myself feeling broken, hurt, lonely, and empty, I know it’s because I’ve tried to solve my problems on my own.
One more supplement. A new medication. Another doctor visit. A different procedure. Surely, more information will shed light on the problem and explain why I haven’t conceived. There must be something tangible I can do to make my body cooperate and carry a healthy baby to term.
But over and over again I hear God saying…
“I need to be enough for you.
When will I be enough for you?”
I go through the cycle month after month. I’m filled with hope and anticipation that this will be it. Something this time will work, and my husband and I will conceive our first child. I wait with waning patience. And over and over, the waves come crashing down and I fall into despair.
Not this time. Maybe not ever. The disappointment overwhelms me, and the depression is enough to crush my being. Anger follows, and I want to shut myself away from the world. It’s in that moment that I pray, through sniffles and tears, sometimes even without words.
“Lord, why does this continue to happen? What am I supposed to do? How do I fix this?”
And each time, the answer is the same.
“This isn’t something you can control. It isn’t something you can fix. I don’t need you to do anything. I am enough. What I need is for you to trust me. Your faith has to be bigger than your fear.”
And in that moment, a weak laugh escapes with a shallow breath. I’ve done it again. I’ve taken my eyes off of Him. But each time, He brings me back. And I pray that His words never leave me.
I’m listening, God. I hear you.
I pray that he strengthens my faith and that one day I will realize the joy of being a mother. But first, I know he must continue the work in me to repair my barren soul.
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always. – 1 Chronicles 16:11
Thank you Crystal for boldly sharing your testimony today. This journey is long, and hard. But thankfully, God saturates the barren soul with Himself. Continue to listen for His whispers. And may He satisfy you more than you ever dreamed possible.