As I write down my thoughts and dreams, my interactions of each day I can truly see myself as a whole person these days. But it wasn’t always this way …
I can look back into my “diary” and see the transaction from the last few years, last few months, mainly the last few weeks. Just recently I have become the person I had always led on to be.
The strong one. The one who is truly happy for you.
The one who is “OK” she is not carrying the child she has longed for, for years.
I find myself smiling at situations I once cried at.
I find myself dancing and singing in the front row at church.
I find myself carrying on more positive conversations with those who truly care.
I find myself when I look into the mirror – finally.
I once carried myself as a disappointment--rather a true daughter of the Lord. I was disappointing my husband--who wants to be a dad just as much as I want to be a mom.
Spending hours missing work to drive miles and miles because what that one doctor told me, I didn’t want to believe--and what the other doctor told me, I didn’t want to hear.
I thought maybe someone who didn’t know me from my past appointments would say something I hadn’t heard yet. But they all said the same, “We will just keep trying.” “Your next cycle will be different.” “ALL THINGS DOCTORS SAY.”
One day, I stopped listening to what those doctors were saying and listened to what my heart of hearts was saying.
It spoke so loud to me one day, and I knew what I had to do.
I had to cry and pray.
Pray and cry.
One day I woke up feeling not so sad, not so heavy hearted...I felt like me again. The person who I was before all this pressure of getting pregnant, providing my husband with a child, providing a grandchild to my parents.
I felt free.
Yes, there are some days that are easier than others. Yes, there will be days harder to come…but I know where to go on those days – and that makes it all the easier.
I prayed for comfort, for a solution, for something to change my life and the whole time it was inside right there inside of me.
This gift given to us from God, this gift to “The Grinders.”
The gift of peace.
The gift of peace that He has it.
God’s got it.